Post Almost Election

Last night our country spoke and they are electing someone who I do not believe in.  Who challenges everything I believe in. Who scares me.

I am not sure how we as a country can move forward with him as a leader.

This is particularly troubling to me as my job is tied to all things about the greatness of our nation.  As I worked hard my whole life to believe that if you work hard, good things will come, and good things will happen.  His (probable) election has shown that it does not matter.  You can have no experience, you can say inflammatory things, you can do what you will, you can be ill prepared - and you can still be ok here. *If and only if* you meet certain criteria.

It has caused me to think about what it means to be American.

But, what do I tell my boys?

I went into the voting booth this morning so happy, so full of promise and excitement.  I made my boys come with me and I dressed up in my *hashtag* pantsuit.  And I voted for her. And, I teared up as I did it. I bought a Live Free or Die NH pin and an American flag pin from my Museum gift shop. I posted pictures. Tonight when I said goodnight to my oldest Joel, I told him to remember always that Mommy took you to vote today, and remember that Mommy voted for her.

And it was not enough, not even close.  And now, in a few hours, when my boys wake up I will tell them that (I, we, our Country) lost.

And they are 5 and 7, so they won't really get the weight of that statement. They really will not understand how I feel. And now the most formative years of their lives, they will grow up with him as President. They will see his hatred of others.

So I write it down here, and hopefully they will read it and understand it someday.  I was the only person in our family to vote for her.  I am the only person in our family who defends our current President. Boys, I called your grandparents and cried to them on the phone about how ridiculous this all feels, and they didn't really seem to get it or care. Your father, in the room with me as I am in tears, did not seem to get it or care.

For the next decade I am going to suffer endless conversations with all family members about my black sheep distaste for this person. (Boys, your grandfather seems to think that there is no way he will be 2 term, but who thought he could even be 1 term)? I will watch as everything our last President, who I also stood with while everyone in our family was against me and him, built is destroyed.  I will see our friends, who have just started to build their families, who have just started to build their lives - be scared about what is next.  I will worry that because I posted this, and it is contrary to his "popular" opinion, I will be ruined.  Dramatic?  Don't think so.

My boys, you will likely grow up to be like this man who is (likely) our President elect.  You are privileged, you are white, you have had everything handed to you.  Everything has been handed to you.  Everything will be handed to you. And, you are male.  Nothing can touch you. And we learned that tonight.

But, you are my sons, and you better be better than that.  You better be compassionate, you better be thoughtful and you better see beyond what is clearly laid out and handed to you.  You do not deserve what is handed to you.  You were given it.  You better learn to be grateful for that, and then you better learn how to help others.

When I thought she would win, and we would be ok - I also conceded that this election was terrifying and we should band together as a Nation and figure out what we could do to ensure this does not happen again.  I wanted to know what the Museum I work for could do so that this would not happen again.  I must stand by this, and figure this out.  But for right now I feel defeated. Deflated.  Disappointed. And most of all sad.

In the grand scheme, my boys - you will not lose, you will probably gain from tonight's results.  Your stock just went up. My job just got tougher to ensure that I can somehow impart the bigger picture on you.  And, I'll try.  But for tonight, and probably for tomorrow too, I am going to be sad for everything we can no longer be excited about.  For the future which is so uncertain for so many. And hopefully shortly thereafter, I will pick myself up, put on my big girl panties, and will then go to work figuring out how to ensure you do not succumb to these stereotypes which are so easily laid out before you.