Happy Sad?

Am I happy sad, I am not sure?  I think I am more sad, sad… but that is "not right."  You should be really happy when your son who is awesome and handsome and smart and perfect is growing older, and better and happier by the minute.  He is getting to be a little man, and he is sensitive and sweet and perceptive.  He now puts the toothpaste on the toothbrush all by himself, and picks out his own clothes.   With each new accomplishment I feel my heart breaking and growing at the same time.  I miss my little guy, my buddy, and I am really scared for just how much I am going to miss him really soon.

Because on Friday he graduates from Pre-K.  Really, daycare.  It will be the end of daycare bills for us, packing lunch for me and picking him up supremely dirty.  I have been worked up about this for a while now, and I am a mess this week.  Didn't help that I went through and "donated" clothes today as well.  Everything coming to a convergence of sad for me.  My baby is going to Kindergarten.

I know, this is ridiculous.  He will turn five, just 5 (not 18), in a few weeks.  He will go to Kindergarten, not college.  But something inside me knows everything is going to change.  We are going to be in a whole new realm.  I may even like this realm of schedule and learning and meeting new parents and community and growing - but all I can focus on right now is what will (or hopefully won't) be left behind.

I am so worried he will no longer want to wear "handsome shirts." Or ties, or awesome hats.  I am sad that even though he loves dance and riding horses, his peers may make him go into the obligatory soccer.  I am worried he will all the sudden become "cooler" than his little brother who will be left in the dust back at daycare.  He may start to give me less hugs, may not want to wake me up with a kiss anymore and might stop saying: "Thank you for a good dinner Mommy."

Donating the "french fry" shirt - (says small fry on it) pushed me over the edge this morning.  Really, just a shirt, but I am going to miss it.  Is that weird?  Yes.  And no.  I have always had an unnatural attachment to objects in general.  But this one really threw me.  He loved that shirt, wore it all the time and asked for it.  Not a "handsome shirt" per say, he wore this to school all the time and it has stains everywhere.  For some reason James never accepted it, and now it has outgrown them both.  And today it gets tossed in a garbage bag and will be put in a donation dumpster for who knows where.  I'm totally next.  (can you tell I should NOT watch Toy Story 3 for a while now?).

I know that I should calm down and relax.  Joel Andrew is certainly not your average kiddo - and he is super caring and smart and kind.  I made him make me a promise, written on paper: "I promise I will hug and kiss you everyday" for Mother's Day, and I hung it in our dining room.  Every day I remind him and everyday he says he will. "I promise Mommy."  He still calls me Mommy.  I wonder if he will do that once he is in Kindergarten.  I wonder what I will do the day he responds with "Ma, come on.  Leave me alone."  I am not really strong and I will break at this.

So, it has been 5 years.  Joel Husband says I can't have anymore kids.  The blinking thing totally happened.  I still have a 3 year old - but with each work event that takes away another weekend, another night.  With each time I freak out at them because I am focused on stupid email and not them, my heart is breaking even more.  What are things going to be like with me in the next year?  When am I really going to slow down and savor these last moments?  The moment now when they really care and want to be with me.  I'm not sure.  Constant battle.  I'm worried I will finally have had enough, and make the time, when they are gone.  Off to other fun non-Ma things.  I will have made time too late and each thing that takes me away from them now presses harder on me and reminds me of this.  Every. Little. Thing.  

There is my vent for today.  Now I must go and donate some clothes, try to sell a few things on my used baby stuff website and make a new pile for Aunt Jennie.  Time to out with the baby things officially and in with the sports things and all things with languages I do not speak.  I can't believe all of my former yearning for older babies so that I could…  Now I just want to keep them this way forever.  My two sweet, busy and inquisitive little guys.  I want to quit all responsibilities and all of the sudden no longer care about cleanliness and just hang out with them all the time.  I am missing them already, and yet they are still here.

So, here are some shots of my guy, who is now a big guy.  Who will soon be a former daycare kid.  Who has a few more weeks with me before he goes to kindergarten, and his whole world - and mine too, forever changes.  

Annual FP Zoo Trip

Each year we meet some of my former colleagues from Historic New England, and their kiddos, for a day at the Franklin Park Zoo.  This year it was a slim but super fun crowd and it was scary to see how big everyone is getting.

I love how my boys only see these kids once a year but they had a great time and went right into playing with the girls.  They all seemed intrigued by the animals, but only for a second - and spent most of the additional time either eating or on the playground, ok fine.

Joel Andrew was his typical polite self and James was well behaved for how he has been acting lately.  James specifically asked for some pictures to be taken and they seemed all in all to have a great time, though the sun was beating down and by 2:30 we were all tired and ready for a rest.  The boys passed out on the ride home and Mommy had 10 minutes of peace and quiet while they took a nap in the driveway, until it was time to go Strawberry picking.

The zoo is far, but necessary.  We remembered what a Capybara was, and Joel Andrew was freaked out by the anaconda.  James was entranced with the anteater.  We will go again next year for sure.  I am starting to really know though that pretty soon this will not be the thing to be doing, and sports will be taking over.  Gasp, sad!

First Baseball Game

This weekend we went to our first ever baseball game - the Portland Sea Dogs.  I think if Joel Andrew didn't have poopy problems (good thing Mom brought extra underwear and shorts) and if James Morris didn't have attitude problems (he would not sit still) - it would have been the most awesome outing ever!

The seats are super cheap, there was a band playing outside when we got there, beer's were $5 (compared to Fenway, where they must be like $8+?!) - Every seat has a great view, and who actually watches baseball when at a baseball game anyway?  It was a perfect first game place to take your kiddos, and now I kinda want to go to more of the baseball fields.  There are a ton of the AA around here and I think we should check all of them out!

The only thing is trying to keep James quiet during all of the happenings of the game.  Is it just that he is too little?  He cannot stop moving… And it drives us all crazy.  Joel Andrew never really went through this phase.  He listened and did what he was told to do.  So, this is all throwing us for a loop.  James is defiant, and can be a bit of a massive turd bucket as I call him (aren't I nice?).  Any suggestions for dealing with this guy, and making him listen better/calm down more?

All should go to AA games, super fun, super inexpensive, and the kids love it.  Can't wait to try it again when stomachs and manners are in order!

Calendars Update

I'd like to just give a brief update that it is almost two weeks later and my husband still has not logged into the calendar I spent all that time creating.

"best girl I ever saw."

Tonight we have friends over - Tim and Mara.  And they are waiting downstairs while Joel Husband cooks dinner.  I was putting the boys to bed and when I put Joel Andrew to bed we played our normal "I love you…" "I love you more.." game.  I told Joel Andrew he was the best, and he responded with: "Mommy, you are the bestest girl I ever saw."  He really said that. I had to write it down before I went back downstairs to dinner with our friends.  I love this guy. I know already how much I will miss this.

Really?

Joel Andrew's new favorite thing - like a teenager - is to say "Really?" after everything.  Apparently he learned this sarcastic questioning remark from me?  Really?  I do not think so, but alas this is what we now have.

Really?

In other news, James Morris has taken to announcing the phrase: "Mommy, I love you, so, so much."  I kinda like that one better, though both have been making me smile.

Calendars

Anyone else have trouble getting their husbands to listen to the plans, calendar or schedule?  I pretty much lost it today.  Anyway, here is my response to get it in check.  I have a Google family calendar now, and he has an iPhone, so there is no excuse, right?  This is my email note, and in the event he does not read his email, I know he will read this blog and relish the chance to yell at me for airing our dirty laundry in public, thusly I am happy at the result because it will prove he read the blog, and so he should then know to USE THE CALENDAR.  Get it here people?

Here is what I wrote:

Dear Husband,

As it does not work for me to email you, tell you (repeated times, 1,000 different ways), write it on the chalkboard, or nag you about calendar things, I have created a separate gmail account for US to keep appointments for the family.  You need to log your phone onto this so that you can see the events associated.  Please check weekly.  The title starts with who is expected to be there (ex. WILLALL means all of us, J&D means you and me, JAW means Joelly and JMW means James, I assume you can keep track of your own schedule). PLEASE CHECK THIS CALENDAR.  It has all of the needs in it.  Please add to it too!

To log in, go to gmail and enter (deleted for privacy reasons from this blog).

To add this to your phone, go to Settings, Mail, Contacts and Calendars, then select Add Account - add the account with the password and username above.  You may want to make sure the account only shows you the calendar, and not the email, though up to you.

PLEASE DO THIS NOW.  PLEASE LOOK AT IT.  I am not sure what else I can do to inform you of these events.

Please add when you want to go to Canada (business trips) to this Calendar, or when you have a night out in this calendar.  If I have made the calendar first, then you need to help me find extra coverage for the boys.  I am done otherwise.

This has been a public service announcement from an exhausted wife.

Fabulous Feet

Today I was a super proud and excited Mommy, my little guy displayed his Fabulous Feet for all.  This was the name of the song he danced too - and he danced his heart out.  He remembered his steps, had a slight yawn in the middle of it (clearly it was all too easy for him), and then had his trademark smile in the middle of a sea of pink girls.  I kinda feel bad for all the parents of the girls.  They have to go through all that work with hair and makeup, the buns alone are a nightmare - they have glitter and sequins, all these things - and for what?  My little guy took center stage and stole the show!  (I am just being sarcastic here, which I hope any of my new dance mom friends reading this would come to realize)…

Joel was proud, excited and happy.  He has been looking forward to this day for a long time and he was super excited to have Ama, Grumpy, Pa, Nana and Auntie Jennie and Uncle Jeremy there.  I dropped him off a bit earlier, and I was a bit of a mess and nervous - but not my guy, he was calm and actually was about to ask me to leave when the dance teachers up and kicked us helicopter parents out.

I sat through the show - which was a nice show.  Our dance company was nice and realizes that not everyone wants to sit through 8,000 performances, so they have "company" performances - the high school kids theatrical and really impressive stuff, interspersed with the kiddie performances.  And, they break it up all weekend long, so we were at the Sunday Matinee.  There were tons of other classes we didn't see, that performed on Saturday or Sunday night too.  It was nice to see the other kids, and really nice to see the big kids - of which there were three grown guys dancing up there, all looking excellent.  Of the kids in our groups today there were two other boys in addition to Joel.

I did remark though that this is certainly a girl's world.  The boy's bathrooms were locked backstage, and every time a Mom talked to me she asked me which show my daughter was in - or where my daughter was.  Pretty funny.  The dance teachers all knew Joel and loved him (how could you not?) - but I wonder if they are hoping to keep him for the long haul?!  I hope so, I would love a tap dancing coordinated handsome guy, but it is up to him.

His moment on stage came and he did great.  Jowl Husband and I sat together and we decided not to video or take pictures and just watch and love the moment.  I cried like a baby.  I am so glad I was able to have this memory of him - and he was able to have this moment.  He loved being on stage, he loved taking the pictures and being the center of it all.  He had great fun and I hear that he said to Ama something like he will do about 5 more recitals.  I hope so!

Either way, I am so super proud of my little guy and his Fabulous Feet!

Dinner with Ama and Grumpy

This week Joel Husband is in Canada…Again.  So, I called my recently - moved- here parents and asked them if they wanted to visit.  I have a lot going on with work, 400+ school children visiting this week, so it would be nice to have the extra help.

I got home, my parents and I chatted.  They picked up the kids, I bought dinner.  They played with the kids, I cooked dinner.  We ate a great dinner - lobster, which the boys loved - and it was awesome.  I even set the table really nice and cooked a few different things and Hedy spent the entire time with the boys, it was unreal!

After dinner, I cleaned, and the grandparents continued to have fun.  For most families you are probably scratching your head right now at how this could be odd, but for mine it is odd.  Usually my mom is cooking and my dad is cleaning and I still have the kids (or, let's be honest, they are watching the kids while I do nothing and they do it all).  But not tonight - they were all in for only playtime, and all were loving it.

Bedtime comes and Grumpy reads the Crayon Book (one of our favs, must get the title for the blog, thanks Aunt Kim) - as I folded laundry while my Mom sat quietly watching as my Dad read the book to the kids I was so glad.  For years my Mom folded the laundry while the babies needed tending too by me, and now she got to relax and enjoy.  My Dad did a pretty good job acting out each part of the crayons and the boys ate it up.  It was awesome to hear my Dad read the book, and the boys giggle with laughter - from two rooms away.  After it was all said and done, kisses and hugs were given out, and I was still needed for the final good night, then we all said goodnight.

Pretty lucky to have a night with all of these guys, delicious dinner, beautiful sunset, and happy boys.  At one point I noted to my Mom that I worry that we hit the high point with them, and it will be a struggle of a different kind moving forward.  First kind of struggle, baby, not easy.  This, super fun.  Future - growing kids and sports and whines and growing too big too fast.  At least I will enjoy this for now. Hoping for a great continued summer!