The Truth

Why do people feel so guilty when they do not breastfeed? Why is it so hard? When something that is supposed to be so natural, so beautiful and such a bonding thing for you and your child turns into a struggle where inevitably ½ the time both you and the baby are in hysterics – what is the right thing to do? Continue the charade, or stop?

I am so confused, hurt, upset and emotional about this. We had one good feeding this week, and it was euphoric. I could not believe how happy it made me. Similarly, the terrible feedings make me so upset – make me question my ability as a mother, make me angry at my child for not doing it right – when obviously he is trying his hardest too. At this point it is clear to me, there is no good to continuing this process and that in fact me breastfeeding in the first place has probably caused us more harm then good.

When I should be playing with him when he is happy and giggly, I am cleaning the stupid pump things. When I should be napping while he is sleeping I am pumping. When he finally sleeps through the night and I should be sleeping through the night as well, I have to wake up every three hours and spend a half an hour with the pump and clean ritual.

It took us three weeks to even be able to breastfeed properly. He would not latch. This was probably my first clue. I persisted though, went to a lactation consultant and tried with the shield. I pumped and fed him through finger feeding, then the bottle. When he finally latched, euphoria I tell you. But not for long.

Then I got mastitis. Probably the most painful thing ever, worse than labor contractions. And, you need to breastfeed through it. 104 degree fever, tired and cranky Mommy who needed to cancel her first fun night out. One week of antibiotics and I was back, but now with the eternal fear that if I am not pumping every 4 hours, or feeding every 2, it will come back.

Then the low milk supply. This one was especially upsetting I have to say, I feel terrible for the Moms out there who have this from the get-go. You really feel useless and terrible when you can’t even pump enough in a whole day, to feed your child for one meal. I woke up at 5am at our cabin in Maine, called the local Shaw’s, drove 35 minutes, and waited for the doors to open so that I could buy a tea that “might” help with this problem. I drank that tea like a champ. It came back…

But now I have “overactive let down.” Another fun joy where the poor baby chokes every time he feeds because milk is shooting out. Nice. Never thought that would happen to me in my lifetime. Milk shoting out. Nice picture.

Oh, and the joys of a milk allergy. Does he have one? I cannot tell. Who knows, there is no answet. Only a screaming child. Does he stop screaming when I stop eating dairy – who can tell? I try to stay away from dairy but it is in EVERYTHING. I go to the store to order a sandwich and they give me the wrong one, with dairy (twice now!).

What are the benefits to breasfeeding, I wonder? From the Baby Center website in Blue some benefits are:

Breastfeeding protects your baby from gastrointestinal trouble, respiratory problems, and ear infections

That’s nice. LJ has already had an ear infection (totally rare for an infant). Breastfeeding did not help us here. He has been wheezing since his 6^th week, and people keep telling me they think he has reflux. Awesome.

Breastfeeding can protect your baby from developing allergies.

Another thing people tell me, he probably has a milk allergy. Nice.

Breastfeeding may boost your child's intelligence

My husband was not breastfed, and he is one of the smartest people I know. I was breastfed for four weeks max – and until this I thought I was a pretty intelligent person.

Breastfeeding may protect against obesity later in life

I think poor LJ is in trouble with this no matter what. Everyone tells me exercise and eating right is the key to avoiding obesity. But I guess all of the large people out there can blame their parents for not breastfeeding now?

Breastfeeding helps you lose weight

This is a huge myth. HUGE. I thought it would help, I said I would try breastfeeding from the get go, just for this selfish reason. But – what you do not realize is that you need to eat, a lot, in order to maintain the ability to produce milk. I get ravenous all the time. Plus, it is recommended not to exercise too strenusously or cut too much out of your diet because again, your milk supply will go down.

Breastfeeding can lower your stress levels and reduce postpartum bleeding

Yeah, we all know what it has done for my stress levels.

Breastfeeding may reduce your risk of some types of cancer

Breastfeeding may protect against osteoporosis later in life

Breastfeeding may protect your baby from childhood leukemia

Breastfeeding may protect your baby from developing type 1 diabetes

Breastfeeding may lower your baby's risk of SIDS

The key word in all of these statements is “may.” How do they know?

For some reason people want to scare you, guilt you into breastfeeding. If nothing else, lets tell them they will get cancer and give their kid diabetes if they don’t do it. Joel always makes fun of me and my conspiracy theories, but I am serious here – why is the social norm right now breastfeed or else? All of the Drs, the TV, friends, websites, etc say breastfeeding is the best. I hear moms ask other moms – “How long did you breastfeed for?” and it is like a competition to who held on the longest. Why is this? Is this just me?

I actually received a “atta boy, continue breastfeeding card” in the mail the other day. No joke, Hallmark makes a “good job breastfeeding” card. It made me laugh so hard, but it also makes me think. What kind of society are we that we have a greeting card for this? I love the person that sent it to me – because she knows how hard this has been for me, but now I stare at it and think, gotta keep going – can’t let the card down!

Obviously all that I just wrote is a rationale for why I should stop. It breaks my heart though. And that is the real reason why I write this – why does it break my heart so much? Why does it make me feel like such a failure, so incompetent? It is not like I did not try, I went to many lactation consultants, and weekly breastfeeding support group.

Monday it will be 10 weeks. I wanted to go 6 months. At this point I would be amazed and satisfied if I could make it 3 months. I am so upset about it. Maybe we can fight through this latest issue of him not wanting to latch and instead scream bloody murder – but I am not sure. I am really thinking that I am going crazy here, it is ruining our relationship and how is this worth all the “may helps, may protects” above?

Why am I so upset, so focused on this when instead I should be focused on how wonderful my child is, and how lucky I am to have him?

Eh, the struggle continues.